Friends

What I have realized during my time in graduate school is that there are many different levels of so-called friends. It takes time to learn the level of friend that an acquaintance has the potential to be. From there, you have to decide whether to continue on the path of 'friendship' with this person. This has been part of my graduate school education. I was naive in college. I assumed that the more you got to know someone, the better friend they became. Now, in graduate school, although the students are supposedly the cream of the crop intellectually, personality wise, its like a perverted rainbow. A side show carnival for the carny. You've got shit colored all the way the neon orange, to the bitchy bleeding girl trapped inside a 30 year old man's body. People are fubar. People are fake. People are rarely nice. I hate the word nice. It means nothings. Fuck nice. People are socially awkward. People can act so sweet that they rot your teeth. The more I get to know my fellow graduate students, the more I feel myself adjust to accommodate their deformed personalities. I say things I don't mean. Behave in a manor that I would not have several years ago. I feel like the kid that has been molested by the dirty uncle or priest. Or has been traumatized by the exhibitionist on the subway. I feel like I need a shower and a therapist. I'm not saying you can't find the real deal, but you got to do a lot of painstaking searching, crawling on your hands and knees, and don't forget to hope and pray, that somewhere, the needle is in fact, buried in the haystack. That you will find the fabled friend, and possibly a pot of gold, at the end of the rainbow. There are people you can hang out with to party, but are embarrassing and flaky in any other kind of situation. You've got the guy who's so cheerful and slap-happy in the hallway, but never invites you to any of his events. You've got the person who's friendly in the beginning, and then does a complete 170. You've got the people who use you till , poof! they disappear, because they found someone better. Graduate school is full of rotten vegetables, black mold, and dressed-up trash. I guess in our own way, each and every person is a whore, and we are mind fucking each other into oblivion.